December 26, 1992

It's been 20 years since I was 14 on December 26, 1992.  In a way this day haunts me, but it's also the day that saved me.  I lost a part of myself that day.  It's true. That day my life was forever changed. The girl I was, that carefree 14 year old girl, she could never go back to the way she was.  Sometimes I look back and can't even remember her clearly. What was it like before then?  It's hard to remember exactly. Certain memories are there.  They're just fuzzy.  If I could back in time before Dec 26, 1992 I'd tell that girl so many things.  Remember what it feels like to go underwater and come up and feel the smooth coolness of the water as it rushes down your face and hair.  Appreciate that walk alone you are able make to the video store.  Every step is bigger than you think.  That bike you think is dorky now? Take it for a ride every chance you get.  Sometimes wheels don't always keep on turning. Those times you chose to stay home instead of go out with your friends.  Go.  Be young, be silly, be 14.  For those days become rare, and those friends faces start to disappear.  Try your hardest to really remember what it felt like to have no worries and just be carefree. By the time 1993 comes you can't imagine being carefree and you worry too much.  Take a look at and admire your parents who you think are nerdy and you're too cool for.  The sacrifices and unconditional love they will show you after this day makes them cooler than you could ever hope to be.

Some of these are important, some not.  Like the Rod Stewart song goes, "I wish that I knew what I know now, when I was younger.  I wish that I knew what I know now, when I was stronger".  You don't expect a 14 year old to get it all.  You grow up and life isn't always what you thought it would be as a kid.  But see that's just it I grew up.  That might not have happened for me if I didn't go to the emergency room that morning of Dec 26, 1992.  How many more times would I have been lucky enough to wake up when I would stop breathing while sleeping?  So you see that's why Dec 26, 1992 saved me.  It'll probably never fully stop haunting me, because it's natural to think of the what if.

 

Trust me its hard to find a blessing sometimes in the hand my life has dealt me.  The important key word in that sentence is "life".  I get to live it.  I live it with humility, gratitude, perseverance, happiness, and yes sometimes even sadness.  I just don't dwell on what I think I don't have.  But you can't just look at the bad in your life.  Things aren't just black or white, there's the grey in between.  You have to take the good with the bad and meet somewhere in the middle.  Find the grey.  I have family and friends that love me and considering having a tracheotomy and all that goes with it, I have my health.  There's a quote I read once that said, "Some people are happy with less than what you have".  When those rare moments of sadness that I only let myself feel shortly come, this is what I always think of.  That's why I never feel sorry for myself because things could be worse.  So thank you Dec 26, 1992.  Thank you for letting me see you come and go every year that has followed.